Where is my gratitude?

The last 4 months of my life have been absolutely miserable. I feel sick and tired, grumpy and grouchy, I am filled with fear and worry..... Why all this negativity?!? I remember when I was FINALLY pregnant with Peanut after 5 years of infertility and loss, and was SO SO sick (for the ENTIRE 9 months), that I didn't even care! I was thrilled to finally be able to "fulfill my calling" so to speak, of becoming a mother. Of course there were lots of worries and fears, but those 9 months were the most amazing of my life. I was so grateful for every moment that I had to carry him, and did not take for granted the miracle that was growing within me! I LOVED LOVED LOVED being pregnant! I was willing to sacrifice anything for him. I thanked the Lord every single day for the blessing and opportunity that I had to be a mother. I did not take for granted of the fact that I was participating in the greatest miracle ever, the process of creation. I think that by the time I had become pregnant with Peanut, I had idealized motherhood so much, that I just KNEW that I was going to be the "perfect" mother. 7 years and 3 1/2 kids later, I am far from being even a mediocre mother at times. I think that lately, my children have particularly suffered. Summer should be filled with fun and adventure, picnics, play dates, vacations, swimming and LOTS and LOTS of togetherness. I have been so miserable, that we got to have swimming lessons, occasional amusement park visits, and LOTS and LOTS of TV and movies. My poor poor kids!!



Where IS my gratitude? Why am I so darn grumpy and negative? I seem to be having a hard time making it from day to day! I feel like I have had a successful day if I can get up, get showered, get the kids fed and have them relatively clean by the end of the day. That is about the extent of my abilities lately! My house has suffered, poor Ry has suffered, and take-out has become a staple. Hopefully I can get it together and be a more functional person soon!



In the meantime, I need to remember that I am extremely blessed. I have three beautiful, healthy, happy (relatively) kids! They are the joy of my life! Each one is unique, special, amazing and CRAZY in their own way. They each have different strengths and abilities as well as different trials and struggles. I am slowly learning how to mother each one of them individually.



EVERY single child born into this world is such a miracle. I have the awesome opportunity to be part of other peoples miracles on a regular basis. I see some pretty amazing stuff in Labor and Delivery! Mothers that finally get their miracles through IVF, or IUI, or different fertility treatments. I have seen surrogate mothers unselfishly carry a strangers child. The neatest and most touching moments are the mothers that place the baby that they have carried and nurtured and loved for 9 months into the hopeful,waiting arms of another, to love and to raise. These are the moments that make my job incredible! I also see terrifying things that scare me to death. SO many things can go wrong in pregnancy and delivery that sometimes I am amazed that any of us are here. I think that it is these things that have made me so discontent with this pregnancy. I have a tendency toward anxiety anyway, but lately I wonder if it is the anxiety that adds to the misery of being sick all the time. I just need to remember what an absolute miracle this and every other baby is! It will all be worth it in the end and I must stop complaining, and just try to enjoy the creative process. I NEED to find my gratitude!

I am looking forward to this new little person joining our family! I am extremely nervous about having FOUR kids. I worry about my sanity and my ability to successfully parent 4 children. I am so not an "ideal" mother, whatever that is.... All I know is that I am trying to do my best and I hope that my kids know that I love them and would do anything for them. I have enjoyed watching them grow and develop and become individuals. Peanut is so incredibly bright, he has such a thirst for information and knowledge and it has been fun watching him learn and develop new talents. Beanie is hilarious and has amazing coordination, he is so aware of physical strengths and abilities! He is my little acrobat. I am grateful for the "cage" on the trampoline. Peachy is very determined and opinionated! She is such a copycat and enjoys trying to be just like her big brothers. I will miss her being my "baby" as she is so snugly. I am truly so blessed to be a mama to these children, and I am grateful for the new one that will be joining our family, I just wish I could find that gratitude much close to the surface!!